That Kid

I pulled to the side of the road, already 30 minutes late to work, crying… because I just don’t know what more I can do.

B and I have found transitioning to Kindergarten has been more difficult than anticipated. She had been at the same daycare with mostly the same people for almost 5 years. Then, after 1 weekend, she switched to a new school for Kindergarten and a before and after school program with children K-5th grade.

Because of COVID and school construction, her orientations and “meet the teacher” were all online. Also because of COVID, the beginning of her Elementary career has been socially distanced and filled with extra rules. If you remember, I posted a lil while back about the power struggle we have had with B that resulted in her “Weaponized Pee…” Well, I think she continues to try to find a place where she can control all. the. things. In this case, it has resulted in her becoming “That Kid.”

She is “That Kid” that when you drop your kid off in the morning, you see her squirming on the floor with her shirt half up her belly talking in grunts, whines and “no’s,” kicking the sign-in table. The story I tell myself (thanks, Brene Brown) is that you look at the Momma (me) half in pity/empathy because “we’ve all been there” and half with embarrassment on her behalf because the Momma is also on the floor walking the line between standing firm that “this behavior is not appropriate and you will not associate this behavior with getting what you want” and “I need to get to work; the teachers don’t need to deal with this, what can I do to just get you to get in the classroom?!?”

She is “That Kid” that ran past you screaming “Mooooooommmmy!!!!” as you opened the main door on your way in and the teacher politely says, “sorry” as she slides past you as well to grab her before she gets to the parking lot and guides her back inside to a “safe space.” Yep, she’s a runner. One minute, she doesn’t want anything to do with me because I am mean and the next minute she is escaping the building because she can’t be away from me. The first time she tried to run (yes, it has happened multiple times) was the morning I consoled myself by saying, “At least she has formed a secure attachment with me” as I willed myself to go to work instead of back to bed.

We have now been referred to the “inclusion services” that help families and teachers in “situations like these.” I hope it helps. In the meanwhile, I have so much training and experience in dealing with other people’s children who have similar or even more difficult challenges. I worry that may be part of my problem and part of my solution.

When B was 1 year old, I left working with children/youth in the education/non-profit sphere because I decided I did not have enough energy or patience for my child and the children of others. In the past few weeks, I have almost been having flashbacks to some of my kiddos that I worked with similar to PTSD (which I do suffer from for completely unrelated reasons). I am sure there is some secondary trauma there. One child in particular gave me two black eyes in one month, was constantly escaping the classroom and would yell and scream obscenities all day long. B is not exhibiting anything anywhere near that child’s behavior, but as I sat crying on the side of the road that day, I felt the helplessness that I had seen in his mother’s eyes.

Of course, there is always more that can be done. I have not exhausted my tools and even if/when I eventually do, I know that there are plenty of people I can turn to for help if need be. This weekend, I created an “If… Then” Chart for her morning and after-school routine. Here is the morning one:

Bradford and/or I will give her a choice from 2-3 options of ‘rewards’ the night before (and confirm with her in the morning). If she does everything on the chart, then she will get to do or have the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, AKA  the reward she chose. Here are some of the options I am going to print out and laminate.

Her rewards of choice will attach with velcro on the bottom of her chart. We will only give her the option of things we are ok with her doing that evening after school. One day, the options might be family walk, board game or dance party because the plan was to do a family activity anyways and she would get to be in charge of which game, route or music. Another day the options might be shows on her iPad or popcorn and movie. There will also be ??? Mystery Rewards ??? and blank cards that I can write/draw on if there is a specific thing that none of the pics represent.  (And, yes…. One of her rewards is going to Target… the girl is obsessed…. She loves the spotted dog and just looking at the crap in the $1 bins… most of the time, she doesn’t leave with anything but the free dog stickers the cashiers give her!)

The plan is to have the chart at home on the kitchen table and she can use a dry erase marker to mark off the things she does in the morning- hopefully making her more independent. Then I will take the chart with me in the car and in the school and if/when she starts to give me a hard time at any point, I can refer the the chart and make sure she knows she must complete all the check boxes including no tantrums and getting to school in order to get her pot of gold for the day.

We shall see how it goes. I’ll give y’all an update at some point. But I would love to hear some of your stories of what you have done to help your kids with tough transitions- drop em in the comments!

Much love given and needed, Kelz