Weaponized Pee

Facebook reminded me that today (the date I wrote this post) marks the one year anniversary of when B, my (then) 3 year old daughter, began to use her pee as a weapon.

(If you can’t read the pic) Me on Facebook: Yall- B is trying to assert her power-she peed on the floor in front of the toilet on purpose… I asked her ‘why’ and she said, ‘because I wanted to-but I didn’t pee on you, mama!’ (Referring to yesterday when she purposefully peed on my foot) I’m so over this stage…

(The other post) Me on Facebook (4 days later): B is potty trained… but at night, she still wears a pull up. After putting her to bed tonight, (my husband) knew something wasn’t right…. this lil girl up and took off her diaper and proceeded to pee on her bed, stuffed animals and floor… she comes out of the room with her dry diaper in her hand, ‘Mama, I peed on my bed.’ Later when I asked her why: ‘Because I wanted to.’

It is clear that we have been going through a power struggle. B’s bodily functions are one of the few things that she knows we as her parents cannot control. We tell her when to wake up, when to go to bed, when she can watch her shows, that she has to go to school, what to eat… We correct inappropriate or disrespectful behavior, etc, etc, etc… One thing that we have been very conscious of doing is giving B choices to give her some sense of ownership over her decisions, but the choices we give her are two or three things we are okay with her choosing. When she pees on my foot, on the toilet lid, on her bed, stuffed animals, and carpet- she is in charge, she is in control and we have to react.

I am a social worker and educator who has been trained in ABA therapy, Social Emotional Learning, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and so much more… and for the last year, I have cleaned up what felt like pools fulls of pee.

As 2020 continued to unfold, children started having less and less choice. B and I spent 7 months 24/7 together at home. We pulled her from Day Care a few weeks before the official close down in Michigan. I worked from home full time while watching and attempting to engage her in various activities. Right when we felt like Day Care had sufficiently adapted to the regulations, I had to go on medical leave. Getting Short Term Disability payments was turning out to be a looong process and we could not afford to send B to Day Care if I was not getting paid. I found myself barely able to leave my bed many days, barely able to open my eyes or walk in a straight line, but still having to be a mom and continue to engage in this power struggle.

In those 7 months, B saw one friend her age 4 times total. She couldn’t go to her favorite places and the few places she went, she had to wear a mask and not touch anything. We spent hours consoling her when she missed her grandparents and friends who lived just down the road. She would stare out her car window with tears flowing down her cheeks when we passed her favorite playgrounds that now had Caution Tape wrapped around them. Her whole world had changed and to her- “the virus” sucked, but we were the messengers of this bad news and often it seemed like “the virus” was just an extension of our power, our control. Her pee continued to flow to make her points whether we tried sticker charts, reward systems, extra positive attention, pee schedule, discipline and so much more. The combination of her age and stage, the COVID world, and her strong personality was the 2020 perfect storm.

The pandemic has warped time. It felt like 2020 lasted 5 years and yet the day I made those Facebook posts seems like only yesterday. B has since grown and changed- she has shown her resilience and we as a family have become stronger, but it has not been easy. Each of us has had our own struggles whether it is with family, children, health, jobs, finances, loss, so much more and a combination of all of them. And this tough time with the pandemic and all the political and cultural issues (not new, but exaggerated) is not over. We don’t know what 2021 has to hold for us. But…

Here is where I was gonna be all optimistic and tell us to keep on keeping’ on… and yes, do that- but I do think it’s valid to live each day, each second in the moment and allow experiences and feelings to come without judgement of good or bad. If 2020 (and the beginning of 2021) has taught me anything, it is that we are not promised tomorrow. It’s up to me to do more things that make me happy and to find happiness in the things I do! (Although I do hope the weaponized pee is finally a thing of the past- if I’m being 100 😉 )

Hope and calm, Kelz